Dissonance & disassociation

Healing comes with no warning label explaining how painful and uncomfortable the journey is going to be.  I knew processing my past was never going to be easy, especially considering my years of avoidance, but I wasn’t prepared for the unpredictable highs and lows I’m experiencing. Some days I feel empowered, emboldened, and excited for the future. Above all, on these days I feel safe. Other days I feel a dissonance of emotion like the Hendrix chord is being strummed over, and over again at incongruous intervals. I get overwhelmed with sadness, confusion, and an immense sense of self doubt. Days like the latter feel like screaming in a silent film or trying to break free from sleep paralysis. 

Since publishing this blog I’ve been experiencing a sense of disassociation.  Although I feel proud of myself for taking ownership of my story, and therefore full control of my life, the vulnerability instigated by opening up about something so deeply personal and sensitive is intense. Despite being years removed from the relationship and experiences that wrecked me physically and emotionally, opening up makes me feel exposed and susceptible to new forms of harm. To be honest, I’m anxious the evil from my past is going to show face and find new ways to torture me. 

At this age, I understand my demographic has too much to lose. By this stage in life people have careers, matrimonial responsibilities, and even children to care for and protect. However, seriously ill people frequently lack reason, strong logic, and firm grips on reality. I definitely wish no further harm on myself, but given the trauma and abuse I’ve sustained, there’s always a part of me that’s on guard. Worried I’m being watched or monitored up close or digitally, scared I may “run into” someone unwanted, or that I’m going to have another defamation campaign waged against me. My ex confessed (oddly purposefully) that he would monitor my social media profiles as well as look me up in people search databases on a regular basis, go through my phone, email, and handbag while I was sleeping, as well as drive past my house at different hours to see whether or not my car was there. Lord knows what else this man did to keep tabs on me and maintain some level of observation when we were apart. Knowing how obsessive he was and that I was being stalked leading up to, during, and in our relationship is still terrifying to this day. With all that in consideration, it isn’t any wonder I’m still angsty to this day. 

It is my choice to speak my truth and share my story and I’m no fool when it comes to the legal system but it still doesn’t negate the worry I have that this individual may find a way to disrupt my life again. There are days I don’t even like using my legal name because it means I can be found. To think I’d have to sacrifice a meaningful part of my identity and familial legacy for the sake of safety is immensely disheartening. I’m lucky to have not necessarily needed that step yet, but it’s still something I consider for peace of mind. I just want to be left alone and to be able to live my life without the suspicion there’s some level of voyeurism occuring. 

New people I meet frequently share that they make note of how private I am and that I can come across as very reserved. In all fairness, that’s in my nature regardless of my history of being stalked, but I would argue I take my privacy even more seriously given that experience. I participate in some serious mental Olympics whenever I meet new people or enter into a new social situation because I have to think two to three times harder than the average person about what I will and will not share or disclose about myself because I have to think in terms of safety before I think about being professional or just keeping simple distance. 

I’m grateful for this platform and I’m grateful for my circle of close friends and confidantes that have championed and applauded me in opening up about my journey, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared this may bite me in the ass somehow. Outside of concerns of triggering my ex if this winds up on his radar somehow, I contend with the fear of judgement I’m subject to face. Being the victim of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking comes with so much stigmatization and society is still not the most gracious to those of us fighting to survive and heal. 

As I stated in a previous post – all I can do is take things one day at a time. That’s it. It’s that simple. One day at a time and make choices rooted in my values, and what I value right now is having the courage to speak up and speak out, and doing so purposefully. If people like myself don’t speak up, we don’t see change, and we don’t see advocacy. 

I know I made the right choice to step up and come forward, but I recognize it will always be a heavy lift. However, if the scariest and boldest decision I’ve ever made in my life gives someone else a sense of hope in their own journey, I’m more than happy to continue writing and sharing. Unfortunately, this fear in speaking up is a reality and I’d be remiss if I wasn’t as real about that as I am with my story. 

But… If life has taught me anything. If I can survive the culminating events of 2011 and 2012, I can survive anything. And to anyone else out there who needs to hear it – you can survive anything too!

With alofa – Tati