THE WORST

I didn’t know what stalking truly was until 2011. Up until then I had a very rudimentary understanding and thought it was limited to being incessantly followed and watched. I had no idea it also entailed unwanted communication (extending to emails, texts, calls), creating new accounts/phone numbers to perpetuate unwelcomed communication, cyber habits (like location tracking, hacking, impersonation), and anything else that reflects relentless pursuit, monitoring, or communication. Stalking is incessant, unwanted contact and communication that raises alarm or causes safety to be jeopardized. What I also didn’t know in 2011 is that my ex hadn’t just begun to stalk me as our relationship finally began sliding into its demise. He’d actually been stalking me since we first met and what was happening in 2011 was actually an escalation of his existing pattern of behavior. 

If recollection serves me correctly, I met my ex around 2007. Maybe 2008. We met through a mutual friend I’d acquired through another acquaintance. What’s so crazy about this is that this mutual friend also exhibited severely inappropriate behavior towards me and my mutual acquaintance with this individual was someone who would end up sexually assaulting me on multiple occasions. While important to discuss, that’s a conversation for another day. In 2007, I really had no idea how bad this group of men was. The mutual and the acquaintance were individuals I’d befriended my senior year of high school. I’d known them both for at least a year and neither showed any signs of being dangerous. The acquaintance was actually someone I considered to be a best friend and so my mentality at the time was if you’re cool with *Wallstreet, you’re cool with me. 

I was between classes in the spring quarter of my first year at community college. I had time to kill and I was bored so I agreed to meet up with our mutual friend *Freddie in the quad. Our school was located on the east side in a suburban neighborhood and he and his friends commuted from the city together. I knew Freddie didn’t have a car so he relied on his friends or public transport to get to campus. I remember seeing Freddie walking up to the quad with a large group of guys in tow. A few I recognized from photographs I’d seen on Myspace but there were some fresh faces; one of which being my ex. To be honest, there was nothing immediately special about him other than his size. He was just exceptionally taller than everyone and decent looking, but other than that, not noteworthy. I guess we had a classic Jhene case. The irony being he was indeed ‘The Worst’ and in retrospect he was not at all special until I made him so. Aside from his stature, I noted how shy he appeared to be and left it at that. Freddie seemed to like him and speak of him in high regard so, as we said at the time, whatever was whatever and I didn’t anticipate any harm coming off of him. 

Subsequent to this initial meeting, I’d see him around campus but I didn’t make any point to say hello or engage. At the time I hated school, I didn’t want to be there, and I had my interests set on other pursuits and other people. I also wasn’t really looking to add any friends to a pretty robust circle I already had going on. However, our paths fatefully intersected again at the campus library and media center. Apparently he was participating in work study and was unfortunately a party I’d need to engage with if I needed to find materials and resources for my classes. I don’t know why, but I remember being uncomfortable when I had to ask him for help one day. Maybe it was his energy, maybe it’s the way he looked at me. Don’t know what it was but I recall just not feeling the vibe.

I will say to my detriment he didn’t come off as a threat but again, like Jhene, I could have just been up on my bullshit. I was seeing things through very clouded lenses. Around this time I was exposed to a specific kind of crowd. Guys that were bangin’ and involved in some type of debauchery or foolishness. I was feelin’ like Trish in Romeo Must Die, all in my head thinkin’ ‘I’ve been around a lot more dangerous guys than him.’ In retrospect, working in the library, coming across as studious, attentive, and courteous – the man had Joe Goldberg written all over him. But how could I have known at the time when my meter for danger assessment was based on whether or not someone was engaging in obvious illicit criminal acts? But, something I have to deprogram myself of is victim blaming myself and I need to internalize that there’s no sure shot way to identify a stalker at first sight. 

My ex and I started off as friends but it was a very slow burning friendship. I had an extreme reluctance to give him the time of day once I became privy to the fact he had taken to flirting with me whenever we came in contact. One way or another, we’d exchanged phone numbers and from time to time he’d reach out to see if I wanted to hang out or just to say hello. During this period, I was “talking” to another guy; a local rapper we’ll call *Novocaine, so I had no interest in entertaining my ex. Novocaine and I were hanging out on a consistent basis and I was usually hanging out with him on the south end of the city when the weekend hit. But low and behold, by a certain hour on Friday or Saturday night, my phone would start going off. One call, then another call, and maybe another. Texting back then wasn’t what it is today, so calling was the only way to reach me in order to connect. I had taken to ignoring his calls and was trying to make it clear at this time that I had an ‘I’ll see you when I see you’ type of mentality where he was concerned. Didn’t matter though, mentality be damned, he would call until I picked up or he just tired of the psychodialing. In retrospect, what made this situation even eerier was his persistence to reach me was so unwavering. If he happened to be with a mutual friend of ours, he’d have that person call me on his behalf or hop on their line himself to see what I was doing and try to convince me to come hang out. Looking back, it’s so obvious something was absolutely not right with his mentality. 

At the time I just took him to be a desperate nerd (disclaimer, there is nothing wrong with nerds. I grew up being a nerd, but I digress). I had no reason to believe he was a player of any sort and he always came across as so innocent and somewhat square. Unfortunately for me, anyone we knew mutually was not in a position to expose him or tell me the truth about who he was and what he was about. No one told me during this period of pursuit, albeit just friendship, he was still seeing his high school sweetheart (whom by the way, was still in high school and likely only a junior when he and I met in college), that he was a big time playboy in the city and working to carrying his act into the east side, or that he had significant control and loyalty issues. I really just thought he was odd and persistent but felt there was no threat detected. Especially considering the kinds of circles I was raised around and hanging out with. 

It’s scary to see that the stalking behavior was there and these early interactions were simply setting the stage for his pattern to escalate and become more dangerous. When we eventually ended up officially dating and the relationship began to sour, I shouldn’t have been surprised by his diligence to reach me by any means necessary. If I had a dollar for every time I changed my phone number or blocked a new email he created so he could try to reach me in writing, I may have been able to cover my undergraduate tuition. 

Weaponizing communication is far from being the only tool he utilized to inflict violence onto me, but it’s a method that still haunts me to this day when I reflect upon it. Numbers I don’t recognize still instigate angst for me and I regularly audit the spam folders in my email accounts to ensure there’s no unwanted attempts at contact. Despite my professional life as a model and actress, I even get weary incorporating my name in any of my professional profiles or social media accounts because I don’t like him having any visibility of me. Perhaps counterintuitive considering the industry I’ve endeavored to participate in, but after so many years of being oppressed and controlled, I couldn’t let him continue robbing me of my dreams and the opportunities I’d worked so hard to cultivate. 

Stalking leaves lasting scars and is why I live my life with my head on a swivel, some form of self protection on my person at all times, and a higher level of consciousness about what I post for public consumption and what I protect at all costs. As always, I know healing from this and feeling a sense of ownership over my life and story are matters to be taken one day at a time. Despite how truly terrifying this experience has been in my life, I still hold hope for a better tomorrow always. 

With alofa – Tati 

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.