How I Ended Up on Alcatraz

We have such horrible stigmas attached to domestic violence, sexual assault/harassment, and stalking. It’s insane how people don’t comprehend the trauma attached to these experiences and that the act of victim blaming reinforces and triggers that trauma, and compels those who have lived these horrors to opt for silence.  I hate when people ask ignorant questions like ‘Well, why didn’t you say something? It’s your fault if you don’t speak up!’ Or when they say naive remarks like ‘Well, if they didn’t say something when it happened they must be making it up for [insert bullshit reason here].’ Like – SKRRT! Stop right there. That kind of aggressive scrutiny doesn’t aid in creating safe spaces, it further perpetuates a sense of danger and vulnerability for victims and makes many of us feel like it’s simply not worth it to speak up, seek help, or take legal action against those who have instigated violence against us. 

A lot of people knew my ex was a downright filthy human. I won’t even compare him to a dog because our canine companions don’t deserve that kind of stigma attached to them either. In retrospect, despite the psychological rationalization that ‘conquering’ is in a man’s nature, I can see now it was evident he had excessively low self-esteem and a poor sense of personal value. Clearly in search of something he was missing within himself and therefore a lot was projected onto me and our relationship. Dude was chronically cheating and it’s not even an exaggeration. Frankly, I can’t even give an estimation of how many other women there were because of how bad the habit was, and truthfully it was basically an addiction. Cheating alone is a vile act on its own but he was also putting my physical health at risk which is a discussion for another day. 

Taking the above into consideration, another common and honestly out of touch question is ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ The simple answer is – I couldn’t. He wouldn’t allow me to. Despite the fact that we were not cohabitating, we were not financially intertwined, and we were not legally bound to one another in any way, I did not have the freedom to leave this man. Unless you’ve been in this situation, that can be a very difficult concept to grasp, but it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to be condescending or perpetuate ill judgement. 

When I was first within the “talking” phase with my ex, I found out he had been hiding the fact he had a girlfriend on the eve of my 21st birthday. What a fantastic birthday present. The information presented itself via mutual acquaintance with evidence documented on MySpace. However, the kicker was that his girlfriend was only 17 and they had just attended his alma mater’s homecoming with each other. Like, ‘say, Drake! I hear you have a twin!’ Not only was I devastated and feeling immensely betrayed, I was disgusted. Mans was dating a child and by my estimation of the evidence, they’d been involved for at least a few years. When I broke the news to him that I found out about his relationship the only thing he could ask me was ‘Well, if I wasn’t seeing someone, what would you want between you and I?’ To this day I can’t even comprehend what a counterintuitive question this was. 

After this epically upsetting news struck, he left me alone and I was able to do my own thing for a while. The sting of the sucker punch lingered though, especially because I’d given a chance to someone that fell beneath my standards of what I considered to be an ideal and exciting partner. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my poor self esteem and some personal issues at home influenced me to have a poor sense of judgement. My sense of worthiness to have anything good was non-existent. In retrospect I wanted to feel loved and seen and unfortunately I was suppressing some voids and contentions I wouldn’t acknowledge until many years later. 

To my detriment, my ex found a way back into my life under the guise of friendship. Given our mutual friends and a shared academic campus, I thought it would be harmless to exercise forgiveness and move on. I assumed he surely could have no intentions of romantic pursuit considering I’d made my distaste for his deception evident. However, to his former credit and like most narcissists, my ex was incredibly manipulative and savvy at being charismatic. After a party a group of us attended one weekend, one thing led to another and after consuming far too much alcohol, he made himself my designated handler and brought me home with him. Inappropriate and a situation I deeply regret coming to fruition to this day. In lieu of going to that party, he seemed to believe the alcohol really drowned out the issue between us and he could endeavor a pseudo relationship with me while still maintaining his partnership with his “high school sweetheart.” 

This situation alone tormented me mentally and despite having developed feelings for him I did not want to maintain any kind of relationship with him let alone what was essentially an affair. Several times I told him to stop contacting me; that we needed to part ways, and I had no room in my life for a relationship with him, romantic or otherwise, but each time he outright refused to allow me to leave him. I’d go through the motions of telling him off and making it clear I wanted nothing further to continue, he’d let a day or two go by, and then he’d bombard me with incessant calls, voicemails, and text messages. He’d be coercive in either manipulating me to meet him somewhere on campus or he’d find ways to coincidentally cross paths with me and force communication with me. No matter what I did or what I said, he was relentless in his pursuit of me and refused to cease contact. This pestering broke me so far down mentally that I conceded over and over just to get him to stop. On a few occasions he wrote me letters which he’d corner me with and make me read while he watched. In tandem with my previous post, in retrospect and with better knowledge and insight gained over time, this behavior was very evidently stalking and left me emotionally and mentally paralyzed. After attending that ill-fated party and making a faux resolve, I literally became trapped in a relationship/affair with this man and could absolutely not get away from him. 

The cold part about this is that I had close friends and a few family members during this period that knew what was going on. They were watching this play out in real time and somehow no one picked up on the danger. I can’t answer why that is. Maybe they didn’t gauge properly the level of improper communication or maybe their perception was genuinely that I was allowing this to happen to myself and by simply ignoring him I could make it go away. No one seemed to understand that the more I ignored him, the more he persisted, and to curb the aggression I would relinquish to him just so I could feel a sense of peace. The level of anxiety I developed regarding the phone was otherworldly and his obsessive need to reach me and break me down became fodder for nightmares. 

I can’t even count how many times I “broke up” with this man. I don’t even know if I can call them break ups if I never got to experience the solitude that comes after leaving someone. Before I knew it, I became isolated in a relationship that felt like Alcatraz. No way out other than death.  I lost a lot of friends that were dear to me during this era in my life because of the judgement they had of my moral character. I was enabling a man to cheat on his actual girlfriend and was a willing side piece in their eyes. To this day that hurts immensely to know that this is how people saw me and this is likely still how they remember me. While I can’t control how they think or feel, I don’t like having an additional layer of stigma looming over me. 

Stalking is very real and takes on more forms than a lot of people realize or can accept. Aside from wishing I never had that kind of smut upon my name, I really wish there would have been someone at that time, ANYONE that could have seen what was really going on and could have given me the help that I needed to escape. This stalking is the very thing that made me vulnerable to the years of domestic abuse I would experience with him and the mental deterioration that literally almost killed me. 

It’s hard as fuck going down memory lane like this, especially when I start remembering things I’d so well compartmentalized for my own survival. Despite how hard it is though, I remind myself of how grateful I am that I am living to tell my story and that I’ve come out on the other side. All I can do is take things one day at a time and continue to nurture my spiritual, mental, and emotional health to be the best and most whole me that I can be as I continue to heal from this trauma. 

With alofa – Tati